Tuesday, May 06, 2008
a little post to update on my life and my growth and perhaps mini maturation process.
perhaps this is a confusing post. but ive learnt quite a few lessons and so i must record them or i'll forget.
well, it feels like i woke up from a dream; perhaps a struggling dream. i often tussled with myself in search of truth; asking, wondering, getting frustrated and confused. but perhaps, all along, the answer was found in my heart. perhaps, all along, i just didnt want to admit and face up to the harsh reality. somehow, hiding it; burying it; pretending i don't know, was less painful, to others. perhaps not to me. perhaps i cared more about the effect i would have on others, making me an indecisive person, who lived to do what was 'expected' and 'wished' for. perhaps that incident changed my life. making me think i was so small, i should just do 'what is right in the public eye', i should not 'let people down', should not 'stumble others' or do the shit i do. perhaps all along i felt insecure about that. and so i try to make others happy. perhaps. that incident still haunts me everytime i look at you/your family. i try so hard to forget/down play it/push the blame to you. but deep down, i still feel that it's my fault. making me small and guilty. making me scared and vulnerable. making me run away from reality, cos it is too harsh. but maybe, this ends. thank you, for reassuring me.i really felt very protected and safe.you dont know how safe i felt wrt that incident.first time.really.lol, you really only step up when it's needed huh. i bet that's a side of you so little people know about. but wlau.i should just punch you!!!!!!
lol, what a random and crazy post. hmm, like me.(:
i guess everyone's starting to feel stressed about CTs. DO NOT FEEL STRESSED. it serves no purpose but cause alarm, fear and unhappiness. (: furthermore,there's no point dwelling on what cannot be finished, but just concentrate on completing whatever one can well.(: maybe i just talk big. next week i'll be nervous. lol! but i pray that in Your strength, i'll do it.
SMILE LA! (((((((((((((((((((((((:
struggling; but failing. and, its gone.
8:54 PM
